Ripping yourself off of a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder can feel like you’re ripping off your arm.
If you’ve agreed to start no contact, it’s likely been a really difficult process. To put things lightly.
But let’s say you’ve stuck with it — you’ve taken the advice. You’ve cut off contact, you’ve only spoken to them if they’ve spoken to you while being as brief as you can, all of it.
First off, I just want to say, props to you. That’s a really difficult thing to do, speaking from experience.
Appreciate yourself for sticking through something so painful.
…but what now?
Where do you go from there, then?
It’s a good question, one I’ll dive into here in this quick article.
So about positive signals…
A lot of people are under the impression that a positive sign is an automatic fallacy, like it’s unreasonable to actually believe a positive sign things are getting better.
So many times, I’ll be in a call with someone who’s getting a genuinely good sign from their ex that they’re thinking of them again.
It pretty much always starts off as something sort of small — something I’ll touch on a little later into the article— but sometimes, it’s total proof the person I’m talking to is on their ex’s mind.
It could be as small as, maybe the ex reached out to a family member of theirs.
Maybe they’re liking your posts again.
Maybe one of their family members reached out to you about something.
Are they small acts? Yes, but at the same time, they aren’t in a way.
It doesn’t really matter how impactful the act itself is, the point to take from it is they’re showing they are thinking of you again.
Ask yourself a question.
Why would anyone go out of your way to interact with aspects of your life, specifically, if they were totally done with you like they said they were?
Unless it’s life-or-death, it doesn’t make sense to do that if they are trying to completely move on from you.
Anyone who’s done with a painful relationship they want nothing to do with anymore will do whatever is in their power to totally and utterly distance themselves from you.
Otherwise, it’s just going to make getting away from you all the more needlessly difficult.
If you’ve been trapped in an abandoned house for months, desperately trying to get away with your life and go get help, you aren’t gonna go back and jiggle the handle once you’re finally free.
People want to interact with as little aspects of you as they can if they’re truly sick of you.
So, no, them liking a post here and there, reaching out to a friend or family member, or asking you directly about something anyone else could get the answer to isn’t exactly a love confession, but it isn’t nothing.
Even still, most people I talk to try to ignore signs like this.
And, I get it. Believe me, I more than get it.
The beginning of a relationship with Borderline Personality is beautiful, strong and addictive.
But if you’re doing no contact, things clearly didn’t go as planned for either of you, despite what was an attraction words alone would probably struggle to describe.
So it’s understandable why you wouldn’t trust any signs anymore.
But again — small signs mean can mean bigger things.
Don’t lie to yourself.
It’s commendable to be willing to put down positive feelings for the sake of reality.
But if reality is telling you something positive, like they’re thinking of you, you aren’t doing anything but tormenting yourself by ignoring it.
“But if they really do miss me, why aren’t they just saying that?”
Well admittance can be a painful thing for anyone. Especially for Borderline.
I don’t mean they’re just being shy, that might be a factor, but I promise it isn’t the main one.
Chances are, during the break up, you begged and pleaded to get them back.
But talking someone with BPD out of a breakup is like telling them not to breathe air.
BPD is very impulsive and reactionary, and it is nearly impossible to fight off what they think they need to do once their mind is made up.
They feel like they won’t be able to accomplish anything until they’ve gone through with what they’ve convinced themselves is necessary.
So if you did plead to get them back, they probably have reaffirmed multiple times how sure they were of the breakup.
They probably said things that they hoped would absolutely solidify to you that the relationship just can not work.
They may have even screamed and cussed at you to just get away from them.
So knowing all of that; it would be extremely difficult for them to admit they miss you.
By doing that, confessing they are having seconds thoughts, it’s like admitting defeat.
They were wrong. And they were wrong about not only you, but how they felt about everything.
Admitting you’re wrong is a difficult thing to do for a lot of people, and the same goes for Borderline Personality.
It’s hard to just come right out and admit they want you back, and they risk the shoe being on the other foot.
It’s much easier to test the waters.
By prodding different parts of your life to see how you react, they see how receptive you are to having them back.
It can come across as sort of cowardly, but at the same time, it’s reasonable.
So, no, you aren’t overreacting to positive signs by just pointing them out, or accepting them.
You’re just seeing progress, which can be alarming if it feels sort of abrupt.
If you don’t want them back, take satisfaction that they’re trying to see how important they still are to you.
If you do want them back, step back, and ride out the wave.
Keep doing what you’ve been doing. Be receptive, but not too warm.
If you keep up your momentum, they’ll eventually get over that hurdle of ego because they just want you that badly.
The tough part is waiting.
