So as a relationship coach, I obviously give people a lot of advice when it comes to breakups.
What to do, what not to do, how to navigate any overlap, all that and more specifics I couldn’t really list out completely here.
And if you’re reading this to help with this sort of thing, you probably know what I’m talking about anyway.
But I wanted to write a short article about a feeling people get when I give them advice pertaining to the breakup — one a solid chunk of my clients feel very mixed about.
Many of my clients claim to feel “fake” when they take advice about their breakup.
Like they aren’t being authentic when they enter “no contact”, or some similar route from there.
It’s completely understandable. Most people’s instincts in a breakup they didn’t want do not tell them to just step back and give the other person space.
And that’s exactly what I usually tell them to do.
I completely see how, when every inch of your mind, body, and soul, are all screaming to respond one way, me coming in and saying “no no do this instead”, can feel conflicting.
Like if you take someone else’s advice, it’s inauthentic to how you really feel. Like you’re lying somehow.
So is it really inauthentic to pull people away from those instincts?
To change course and go down a completely different route from what you wanted to do?
No, no it isn’t.
And to prove my point, I’m gonna use a pretty brutal analogy.
Let’s say you set my body on fire, and I’m in unspeakable agony. I’m screaming in pain and begging the people around me for help.
As weird as this will sound, stay with me here! Now imagine as I’m on fire and acting accordingly, someone tries to carry a conversation with me.
Seriously, they ask me about my dog, if I’m feeling alright, commenting on the weather and the distinct lack of rain. All as my skin is getting more and more charred.
Obviously if they tried to do that, they wouldn’t be getting a calm, normalized me. They wouldn’t be getting that authentic me.
They’d get a me that’s, you know, on fire.
It’s the same principle. See, pain can cause us to act in ways we normally, usually wouldn’t ever act. You wouldn’t normally scream in someone’s face after all…and if you would maybe you need more than just this article, just sayin’. But you possibly would do that if you were just stabbed or set on fire.
Breakup advice like “no contact” isn’t meant to alter your core ideals as a human.
It’s meant to do the opposite, calm you down, get you back to your usual, rational mindset.
Because doing that alone can be a major ask.
In a relationship where it feels like someone just woke up and decided to rip your heart out through your ribcage? Of course you’d be in a delirious amount of pain, and of course you won’t be necessarily thinking completely straight.
It’s not always as simple as “waiting out the pain”. Sometimes, if the pain is bad enough, if nothing else is seemingly helping, it’s perfectly natural to look for help.
And it’s perfectly authentic to use that help you get.
Don’t be ashamed! Don’t feel phony about it.
To further elaborate the point, let’s ask the question of “what would be inauthentic?”
Well for one — acting like you don’t care at all.
Never will I ever say you need to just stop caring. That is not only inauthentic, it’s unrealistic.
It’s a tricky line, but there is a difference between that and the advice I usually give.
What I primarily recommend is accepting how you feel, but living your life in spite of that.
And if the person that broke up with you ever asks, tell them what is the truth even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time!
“It really surprised me when you broke up with me, and I’m not gonna act like it didn’t hurt at the time. It did, a lot. But I’m gonna get through it. And honestly, I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. If you don’t? This really was for the best.”
That is an authentic reaction. What isn’t:
“Oh yeah, no I didn’t care at all. Honestly I didn’t even notice, felt like I’d always woken up alone. Never really even cared about you so it’s nice to be single again.”
That’s phony. That’s transparent. That isn’t believable and it isn’t true to the situation in any regard.
Authenticity is about recognizing your pain and making moves to get on with your life despite it. Inauthenticity is ignoring your pain and acting like you were never hurt to begin with.
So just remember. It’s okay to feel pain, but it’s just as okay to refute the plans that sheer pain creates.
That is how to avoid feeling phony.
